Mother Tongue Annoyances

Hello there. Before we get started, I have three off-topic issues to mention briefly:

1. Lorelle VanFossen, who writes the Lorelle on WordPress blog (required reading for anyone who operates a WordPress-based weblog), turned me on in one of her recent posts to a much-needed Firefox browser plug-in for anyone who does any appreciable amount of online composition: a spell-checker! Yep--can you believe it? A true-blue, functional, Microsoft Word-like spell-checker that works with any blogging software (or browser-based e-mail system). Sure, there are other browser-based spell-checkers in the marketplace, but I haven't found one this good yet. Please let me know if you use one that you think is better. In any event, here is what you need to do to get on board with Spellbound:

• Download the Mozilla Firefox Web browser (please, oh please dump Microsoft Internet Explorer. If you are a Microsoft Windows user, then you can load the IE Tab or IE View Lite extensions to view Web sites that require IE in Firefox)
• Install the Spellbound spell-checker Firefox extension on your computer
• Install the appropriate dictionary language file to accompany Spellbound on your computer, and you're finished!

2. From the "Tim Warner great misheard song lyrics archive": my wife Susan told me recently that one of her childhood friends always heard the following lyrics from the classic 1969 Creedence Clearwater Revival song "Bad Moon Rising":

Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bad moon on the rise.

as...

Don’t go around tonight,
Well, it’s bound to take your life,
There’s a bathroom on the right.

By the way, although I provide you with my own personal examples of great misheard song lyrics, you can always visit kissthisguy.com for seemingly countless others. Have fun.

3. What is your opinion on "public fingernail clippers"? I'm speaking of folks who have a proclivity toward whipping out a pair of fingernail clippers in a business or social situation and trimming their nails, typically letting their shavings fly freely.

Isn't this behavior freakin' gross? I once worked with a guy who did this public fingernail clipping thing all the time. He and I would be hanging out in his office, discussing business or simply shooting the breeze, and invariably my associate would reach down into his desk drawer and emerge with his ridiculous pair of nail clippers. Klik...klik...klik...little pieces of protein, skin, blood, and other biological materials were sailing all over the room; I used to shake my head in amazement at how my colleague could think this behavior was in any way, shape, or manner appropriate. If you are at home...no problem. If you are in public...get in the damned bathroom if you are otherwise unable to find the time to take care of your personal hygiene!

Speaking of bathrooms and things bathroom-related, this actually serves as a terrific segue into our subject matter proper for today. You see, I was speaking with my parents on the telephone yesterday, and the subject of "heinder wiping" came into play (it's kind of a long story, but suffice it to say that it had something to do with how my grandmother, who is in her late eighties and is suffering from Alzheimer's disease, had contracted a urinary tract infection due to wiping her rear end from back-to-front instead of front-to-back).

Anyway, this "enlightening" conversation sparked an interesting question: I wonder how many men and women besides my grandmother (and a couple other friends and relatives, I later discovered) wipe their butts from back-to-front rather than from front-to-back after they defecate? One of my relatives (a man) insisted vituperatively that there was "no harm whatsoever" in enacting the former approach. Um...my online research shows otherwise.

According to the Medline Plus Medical Encyclopedia Web site, which is run by the U.S. National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health, "If you keep the genital area clean and wipe from front to back, you may prevent dragging bacteria from the rectal area to the urethra," and thereby obviate problems such as urinary tract infections.

The Indiana University Health Center Web site suggests that "After going to the bathroom, women should wipe front to back (vagina to anus). Wiping back to front tends to transfer bacteria from the anal area directly to the vaginal area." I would surmise that this suggestion applies to men as well. After all, I, for one, would not want any bacteria "taking up residence," as it were, anywhere near my "coin purse."

Have I made my point in a sufficiently clear manner without offending anyone? You can read some light-hearted discussion on this topic by checking out this afraidtoask.com discussion forum thread. If you are the online survey takin' type, then you can visit bathroomsurvey.com to complete an online questionnaire regarding your privy habits.

I hope you enjoyed today's installment of MTA. Have a great day.